Let me take a minute for a disclaimer, this is a pretty heavy and probably my most starkly honest post to date. I write about a lot of things, but I haven't been brave enough to tell my lovely readers about my self doubts. Since Peace, Love & Bagels is a judgement-free zone, I am hoping that you all understand that sometimes this blog will be used as a forum to put it all out there, sort out my feelings and [hopefully] move past them. The Zac Brown Band song "Let It Go" comes to mind right now...
So we're about a week into Lent, and our promise to give up all things booze and desserts (mind you, we are keeping our promise on Sundays too!) I have been in this real funk lately, with regards to my body image. Not how my body is perceived by others (because lord knows I couldn't care less) but how I perceive my body and how my body feels to me. I am bringing this up in terms of our Lenten promise because secretly, down deep inside, I hope this promise brings me out of the funk. I hope it helps me feel better in my own skin.
The first thing to note is how much I appreciate Brandon constantly reminding me of how beautiful I am. It feels good to know someone feels that way, even when I don't. Brandon, I truly love and appreciate everything about you, but these feelings come from within me - so I hope you don't feel responsible for them.
In giving up alcohol, I have made a promise to replace my nightly glass (or three) of wine with it's more healthy cousin; water. This seems to be the easy part for me (although I'm sure Brandon will beg to differ). In giving up desserts, my goal was to replace my craving for afternoon or post-dinner sweets with things like fruits with yogurt or chia seed pudding. Instead, I've been filling that sugary void in my diet with sugar's evil step-mom; salty, processed foods. (Side note: I have a step-mom but she is by no means "evil". That wasn't meant to be a crack at step-moms. Love you Ingrid!)
So I think I'm going through a little bit of a "detox" right now that is making me feel nothing but bleh. So detox + increased intake of sodium laden, processed foods = Becca not feeling too great about herself.
And I'm here to tell you today that I'm not going to let a week of indulgence turn into a lifetime. I'm not going to let these feelings get the better of me today...and even if I have some hiccups tomorrow, I won't let those feelings get the better of me. Why? Because Zac Brown said something like this:
"Save your strength for things that you can change
forget the ones you can't
you've gotta let it go"
This is a feeling that I can change! I'm going to enhance the promise I made for Lent; not only am I not going to consume desserts or alcohol, but everything that goes into my body will go in slowly and with intention. Not because I'm bored, not because there is still food on my plate, but because it serves a purpose. That purpose might be to fuel myself, to share food that I've cooked with others, to spend time with friends and family over a meal...whatever it may be, it's intentional. (Sometime, remind me to tell you the story about excreting waste with intention).
Since not drinking has somehow afforded me the extra time to do things like vacuuming the entire house, Saturday night dinner/movie dates and Sunday morning yoga practices, I am going to take advantage of this opportunity to prepare home cooked meals from whole foods and try not to resort to easy, processed foods. I am going to make good on my promise to recalibrate my body by also recalibrating my mind and my soul while I'm at it.
Thanks guys, for giving me a second to reflect on my self doubts and renew my promise to myself and to the big guy upstairs (big woman upstairs??). Thanks for helping me keep moving forward!
Peace, Love & Bagels,
p.s. after writing this post, I read Heather's post on reactive eating. Her simple plan to ask "do I want to eat this" and "why?" is a good start down the path of intentional eating. Thank you Heather!